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Licensed Agency or Private Attorney?

6/22/2020

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Working for a licensed child-placing agency has given me a new perspective of adoption. As the adoptive family coordinator, I see firsthand the amount of training and support adoptive families and birth families need as they navigate the adoption journey. Many families are trying to discern whether they should use a licensed adoption agency or private adoption attorney. Adoption via a licensed child-placing agency vs. private adoption attorney is vastly different (in most cases) and it is important to take the time to understand the difference.

Private Adoption Attorney
Many families that choose to adopt through an attorney are open to customizing their own experience and are comfortable with the increased risk that is involved or they know their birth parent very well. Attorneys are there to draw up the legal paperwork, get the signatures, and finalize the adoption in accordance to state law. Some attorneys offer matching services, while others require that you find your own birth family.
There is minimal support in regards to the adoption planning and process itself. Be prepared to navigate the entire process without guidance or support. If the birth family changes their mind, the adoptive family may have to deal with financial loss and emotional loss. Majority of the time, the adoptive family and birth family have built a relationship privately and without any support, boundaries, or buffer. Navigating this relationship and creating an adoption plan without guidance from an agency can be stressful and taxing on both parties, thus potentially increasing the risk of failed placement. Some families will go onto hire an agency or social worker to provide support.
Families that choose to work through a private adoption attorney may hope to save some money on the process. Each potential adoption situation is different. It is not uncommon for the expenses in a private attorney adoption to equal the cost of a licensed agency. You could be responsible for birth parent living expenses, medical expenses of mother, and more. You will be responsible for hiring an agency to complete post placement reports to meet state requirements.

Licensed Adoption Agency
When you work with an agency, services are more inclusive. An agency is going to walk you through the entire adoption process, from application to finalization and everything in between. You will be provided with an outline of all the standard fees and expected fees so will know what to expect upfront. They will provide you with a level of support that eases the stress that the adoption process can bring.
An agency is going to provide the adoptive family with training to prepare for adoption. These trainings prepare you to be an adoptive parent. At Gifts of Grace, topics of training include but are not limited to transracial adoption, grief and trauma in adoption, and how to talk to your child about adoption and answer those tough adoption question.
An agency is going to help you navigate the entire adoption process. Do you want an open, closed, or semi-open adoption? What do you want the relationship with your with the birth parents to look like? What is the birth plan and what will that look like? Here at Gifts of Grace, we address all of these questions (and more) and plan for everything that we can plan for before the placement even takes place. We also act as a buffer between the birth family and adoptive family to reduce the stress of planning, communication, and to take the pressure off both parties.
While I am supporting the adoptive families navigate through their side of the adoption journey, our Birth Family Coordinator is supporting the birth families that come to us. This is what really sets our agency apart from not only the attorneys, but other agencies as well. Gifts of Grace provides full support to our birth families. We meet with them multiple times a month and are available to talk to them 24/7. We work with the birth mother(parents) to identify needs, help to get them any and all resources they needs, get healthcare, help to attain employment, education, or other personal goals. Most importantly, we work with them to make sure that adoption is really what they want and we prepare them for the ups and downs of the journey. We advocate for our birth parents, making sure their wants and needs are heard and met. We listen to what they want in a family and what they want their adoption to look like. Our support does not end after the placement, we continue to provide support to our birth families, continuing to meet and talk as long as they are open to it.

In the end, the decision on whether you work with an attorney or an agency is your decision. Each situation is unique. Take the time to ask questions and make sure you know the level of support provided to both parties. At Gifts of Grace, we pride ourselves in providing full support to the adoptive parents AND birth parents. All sides of the adoption triad are equally important and having someone to turn to for support and guidance is a necessity. 
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-Rachael Rush, Adoptive Family Coordinator
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Trauma Competency and Adoptive Parents

6/17/2020

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Long ago we were handed the Blank Slate Theory which implies that babies are born as a "blank sheet of paper" and therefore can molded and shaped in the environment outside of the womb. What we've learned over time though is that children are influenced long before taking their first breath outside of momma's belly. As an adoptive parent, it is imperative to recognize that whether you are adopting a new born, toddler, or teenager, they will all come with different forms of trauma. So, how competent are you concerning trauma? 
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A Trauma-Informed Parent is one who recognizes the life-changing influences of trauma.
Traumatic experiences can alter a child to the center of who they are and parents who are working toward healing, know this. Hurt children can move from brokenness to wholeness with healing parents who will walk alongside them in that brokenness.
 
A Trauma-Informed Parent is one who can “put themselves in their wounded child’s shoes.”
When a child has experienced trauma their perspective is tainted in how they view the world around them, the adults in their circle, and even how they view themselves. Their lens can be tarnished and they may view situations, people, or the world as unsafe. They may view themselves as damaged or unloved. A healing parent walks in their child’s shoes to understand what their child sees.
 
A Trauma-Informed Parent is will to toss aside the preconceived notions they had on how to care and parent their child.
It’s easy to form an idea of how to parent based off of experience with other children, advice from others, self-help books, or watching parents around you. But, when adopting, one needs to learn a whole new way of thinking, new skills of parenting, and new methods/styles. A healing parent is one with a teachable mind and a willing heart to learn new ways of relating to your child.
 
A Trauma-Informed Parent is willing to learn how to manage their own emotional responses.
Parenting in general is a challenge. Mix in trauma and a parent will face even more challenges. It is vital that an adoptive parent recognize the need for manages personal emotional responses to your child’s behaviors. Some parents may find by walking alongside their child in healing they will unveil some of their own past issues or unresolved pains. Parents on this journey need to grasp a deeper understanding of their self-awareness and practice mindfulness when responded to their child. With children who have experienced trauma, a healing parent needs to also remember to not take things personally when/if their child reacts negatively toward them. A healing parent realizes that negatively lashed out at them may come from a deeper broken place. Learning to respond with connection, love, and a fostering heart is imperative.
 
A Trauma-Informed Parent is a parent who seeks out help.
You have limits and no matter how much you want to be the savior your child needs; you may not be enough. You can’t help pull your child out of the deep waters if you yourself are drowning. Be willing to ask for help and recognize no matter how much you prepare; you won’t know all the answers. A healing parent is willing to be vulnerable and open with others.
 
*The characteristics of a trauma competent healing parent are adapted from Trauma Free World’s Trauma Competent Caregiving series, module 3. www.traumafreeworld.org.
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Adoption after adoption - from the perspective of an adoptive mom

6/17/2020

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This morning I poured two bowls of Cheerios and warmed up a bottle of formula for the baby. Sitting in the morning sun in our house littered with dinosaurs, Barbies, and baby blankets, I sat in awe and wonder of how we got here. 10 years ago, when my husband and I got married, we didn’t expect that this is how our life would look. We thought we would be able to get pregnant quickly and start out the life we had dreamed about, raising a family on our family farm. It took many struggles and disappointments to realize that life doesn’t go according to our plans. In fact, not much at all does. However, we have trusted all along that God is in control and we have slowly, and sometimes stubbornly, learned that his plans are greater than anything we could have imagined.

Today, our family consists of three adopted children, each with their own unique adoption story and relationship with their birth families. We went through two painful failed adoption placements before we met our son’s birth mother. That cold January day that he was born was one of the most amazingly joyful and humbling days of our lives. I can’t describe the feeling of watching his birth mother hand over the child that just she gave birth to and place him in my husband’s arms. Trying to understand the extent of her loss and grief, while rejoicing in the fact that we had just been entrusted with the most precious gift we could ever receive brought a flood of emotions. She and her extended family have become family to us, celebrating birthdays and holidays together, even vacationing with them. When people first hear this, they find it very strange, and we would have too at the beginning. We never planned or expected this type of relationship, but it has become the most natural and rewarding thing for both them and us. We love that our son has the opportunity to have this type of relationship with his birth family and see that adoption is truly formed out of love. 

Having such a wonderful experience with our son, we were ready to adopt again. We knew the process might take years and so we started our home study right away. Unexpectedly, just 13 months after our son was born, we welcomed our daughter into our family. We had received a phone call three weeks prior, explaining her situation and asking if we were ready to accept another placement, to which we excitedly answered, “Yes!” After she was born, she had a two week stay in the NICU, which was a new and scary experience for us. We never met her birth mother, but we remain open if she would choose to pursue a relationship with us.

Our hearts were full. We had received two beautiful blessings and were soaking up life together as a family of four. Having two children so close together was a lot of work and a lot of wiping—counters, noses, bottoms—but to this day they share such a special bond from being so close and they have brought so much life and joy to our family. 

Two and a half years later, we were ready to add to our family again. We began working with Gifts Of Grace, which was more local for us than our previous agency. We were shown to potential birth families time and time again and continued to get the same response: not chosen. Our home study expired after year of waiting and we began to wonder if we should keep trying. Maybe our family was already complete? But we continued to feel called and knew that in the right timing, God would provide the child that was meant to be a part of our family. 

The call came when we were out of state attending a farm meeting. A baby boy had just been born unexpectedly and his birth mother had chosen us, “How quickly could we get to the hospital?” They call it a “stork drop”…one call that changes your life forever. We changed flights, packed our bags, and headed home as soon as we could. We were able to meet his birth mother at the hospital and spend some time with her. He was born two months prematurely, and so we again had an extended stay in the NICU. Although a different situation, we had more of an idea of what to expect this time. It was a difficult season of having our family spread out— our other two children staying with family, my husband continuing to work and travel back-and-forth to the hospital, and I chose to stay full time at the hospital to bond and care for our son. We were finally released to go home and begin life as a family of five.

Our two older children, who are now 4 and 5, are absolutely thrilled about having a new baby brother. My daughter thinks that he’s her real life baby doll. We talk very openly with our kids about their adoption stories and their birth families. We share their stories in terms that they’re able to comprehend now at a preschool level, but will continue to provide them details as they are developmentally ready. Although adoption is born out of loss, struggle, heartache, and waiting (so much waiting!), we have seen time and time again the blessing and healing that can come from our children’s stories. They have brought joy, purpose, and love beyond measure not just to us, but to our extended family and friends who have shared this journey with us. It’s been a hard road, but we would do it all again because…it is worth it. Every time. In hindsight, we can see how God‘s hand was in every heartache we experienced, every “no” we were told, and each period of silence in the waiting. And today I sit here in my living room cluttered with toys, feeding our newborn and thanking God for adoption and the journey that has led us here.                                                             - Erin, adoptive mother of three


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Location - 100 Executive Dr, Ste K, Lafayette, IN
Office Hours -  9 to 3 pm; Mon - Thur
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OFFICE LINE: 765.807.5117

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Gifts of Grace Adoption Support Center - Full Support for Expectant Parents and Birth Moms at Lafayette, Indiana Adoption Agency.  Unplanned Pregnancy, Considering Adoption, Place Baby for Adoption, Living Expense Help, Financial Assistance, Housing help, Medical help, Education and Employment help, Transportation help. Text 24/7. 
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Non-profit, licensed, child placing adoption agency serving Adoptive Families through home studies, post placements, and background checks.